Announcing the winners of the Practical Pyromaniac Clerihew Contest!

The winners have been selected in Chicago Review Press’s Practical Pyromaniac Clerihew Contest. The Practical Pyromaniac is a new book from William Gurstelle (Popular Mechanics Magazine’s “Pyrotechnics and Ballistics Editor.”)

A clerihew is a four line, eccentrically metered, rhyming biographical poem. Easy to write and fun to read, entrants were asked to write a clerihew that describes a famous scientist or other person, or event closely associated with fire.

The Winner:

Rudolf Diesel's
As German as measles,
But his engine stayed mobile,
So his legacy's global.

                                                            --Kelly Robinson

The Runners Up:

The Great London Fire

Destroyed St. Paul's choir.

The nave and transepts were burned to sticks

On the 4th of September, 1666.

                                                            -- Chris Kaiser

Catherine O'Leary's cow

Would probably disavow

Her role in the blaze of 'seventy-one...

Too bad the witness is Well Done.

                                                            -- Erik Stearns

            Well over a hundred entries were received. It was a difficult task selecting the winners because of the number of excellent entries. Points were awarded for topic relevance, style, and cleverness.

The following entries have been singled out for Special Mention:

The Philosopher Empedocles Thought there were four elements, and these Were earth and water, fire and air He was wrong, *but* they made a square.	Nick Muellerleile
Sir Benjamin Thompson, Count Rumford Showed heat made when gun bored. This example of friction, a conservation of energy prediction.	Ben Brockert
Baybars, Sultan of Egypt Into his hand cannon, gunpowder tipped. But how many klutzes lost a foot shootin' in the Battle of Ain Jalut?	Elissa Malcohn
Mrs. O'Leary Hated the theory That it was her cow That started that row.	Yossef Mendelssohn
Thanks to William Crookes And his love of science books, We now have faithful records Of Faraday’s Candle Lectures.	Roger Kilbourne
Isaac Watts Observed a lot. He observed that observation Is learning's firm foundation.	Michael Hahn
Had Herostratus Gone on hiatus, The shrine in Ephesus Would not be in pieces.	Brandon Burt
Sir Joseph Priestly Looked at "airs" uniquely. Phlogiston he spurned And with O2 burned.	Jim Fenwood
Antoine Lavoisier Had a flawless dossier. Hydrogen and oxygen he bred, right until they chopped of his head.	Ben Brockert
Sir Humphry Davy, for miners so gravely created a light never to unexpectedly ignite.	Jonathan Hammler

MORE-

We received a surprising number of entries involving the mythological bringer of fire to humans, Prometheus. Evidently, his story captured the imaginations of quite a few nascent poets. 

Prometheus Stole the God's fire for us, Made Zeus pretty bitter, Now his liver's an eagle's dinner.	Timothy Schmidt
Prometheus Burned Zeus. His reward, that fire giver? Chopped liver.	Les Clay
Greek Fire sparks a funeral pyre Prometheus' gift workin' the graveyard shift	Travis Dynes
Prometheus the Titan Mankind’s burden would lighten He was the fire giver But an eagle ate his liver	Beth Shively
Eagle-pained Prometheus his days remain so tedious. Perhaps his aquiline pest might fancy Some fava beans and a nice Chianti?	Jake Krakovsky
Prometheus we thank for fire But Zeus responded with ire To a rock, He tied the Giver So an Eagle could chew his liver.	Raymond Nakamura
Prometheus the Titan Sought all the world to lighten To the proles he was of fire a giver And now an eagle dines on his liver	Matthew Gordon
Fire was gifted to mankind from Prometheus From raw food and chilly homes it would free all us. The fate of the Titan was grainier; He had the first case of acute pyrokleptomania.	Casey O'Connell
Prometheus What? Fire. Why? Aeschylus Knew, no doubt, his intent. Only the spark is extant.	John Anderson
Prometheus Was a bit of a wuss. Aside from fire, he could only deliver Chopped liver.	Andreas Orphanides

There were also quite a few clerihews written about the author of The Practical Pyromaniac, William Gurstelle. Hoping for extra contest points by using a bit of flattery, no doubt.

William Gurstelle, of fire does tell. In demos quite hot, now "am I missing an eyebrow?"	Ben Brockert
Fire, fire, huh huh! Chem teach says nuh-uh. Gurstelle declares how not to burn off hairs.	Ben Brockert
William Gurstelle Spent a night in a well 'Till he found in his pocket Stuff to make rockets	Robert Sanford
William Gurstelle While otherwise quite swell, For his practical pyromania Was kicked out of Moosylvania.	Craig Wittler
William Gurstelle Musing about Bill Tell Traded his bow For a little C4	Joe Lupe
William Gurstelle Along with the flames of hell Has provided a book barrage To blow the roof off your garage	David Cooper
Mr William Gurstelle May have never been on tele. But of fires and flame, Seems he now has some fame.	Mr Kim Chaisson
William Gurstelle A name I know well. His books inspire, My garage is on fire.	Jason Goodowens
Sir William Gurstelle Was half-way to hell He still hasn't learnt That pyros get burnt	Michael Dare
The mother of William Gurstelle told her son "Write a novel that will sell!" To her never-ending ire Willie wrote about fire	Liz Dorman
William Gurstelle Burns brightly and well A master of the arts Of incandescent farts	Samuel Stackman
William with fire, will never tire, to be forever lit, with wisdoms wit.	Anonymous

Other entrants’ clerihews spanned the gamut of scientific genius from Nicola Tesla to Thomas Edison, from Tim Berners-Lee to Madame Curie. There were also clerihews written to fete and illuminate the achievements of several lesser known scientists including Johann Wolfgang Döbereiner, Claude Edward Shannon, Robert Sapolsky, and Henning Brand.

Robert M. Sapolsky, follows baboons closely. Darting is an art, and unconscious alpha's fart.	Michael Sorel
Albert Einstein Well he had a fine time With E=mc^2 gosh what a lot of hair!	David Ragg
Nikola Tesla, with Serbian chutzpah, wished to save the day with a good old-fashioned Death Ray.	Daniel Harrigan
When Nikola Tesla said "AC is the best bet yet" Replied Thomas Edison DC Rocks, the fight is on	Jiri Vyslouzil
Antoine - Laurent Lavoisier Knew less than Priestley about the air He was however finely read Until the guillotine cleaved his head	Joseph Hinchliffe
Thomas Edison Never was reticent World in delight 'cuz of his bulb of light	HutcH Hutchison
Alfred Noble Was known fairly well But his fame did rise Once he offered his prize	Paul Krebs
Alfred Nobel Who we all know well Worked till he got it right Because he was dynamite!	J-Mag Guthrie
Charles Darwin, his patience ran thin. Tired of the stupidity of our race, created Darwinism to put them in their place.	Ryan Zindorf
Galileo Galilei, Made a telescope so he could see. Left school without a degree, yet became the father of modern science and astronomy.	Ryan Zindorf
Tim Berners-Lee, with out him this poem you wouldn't see. His files, while away, he could not get. Thus he invented the internet.	Ryan Zindorf
Marie Curie, interested in physics and chemistry. She won a noble peace prize, for starting in on cancers demise.	Ryan Zindorf
In the subject of gasses That shock and offend the masses A tiny spark is what’s needed For awe and wonder completed Thoughts for Pyros by Alex Willis, Author of Wisdom from the Toolbelt	Alex Willis
Nikola Tesla, with moustache, sent energy with panache via wireless transmission, and now measures magnetic induction. J. Robert Oppenheimer quoted the Vedic rhymer having unleashed nuclear force and afraid of its future course. Thomas Edison’s electrification of his Burl Street, NY station was a triumph of science made actual by J. P. Morgan’s capital.	Kat Inman
Phlogiston Aether of Serafeim Cremated to ash, reduced to dust Worldly life left to rust	Linnea M. Willing
Hennig Brand yearned To distill from his urine The stone of philosophers But only got phosphorus.	Daniel Chamudot
Doctor von Braun Rocket's head don. Launched to the moon an Air Force goon.	Ben Brockert
Robert Stirling Clever gas curling. As gasses expand, Piston moves in hand.	Ben Brockert
Thomas Edison was a man of no medicine he made artificial light there was no more night	Jonathan Pedoeem
the caveman was a very brave man he invented fire and probably the first wildfire	Michael Pedoeem
Angelina Jolie isn't very boney neither is she fat Jolie is all that	gerry kessler
Mark Frauenfelder His wife, he held her To make things worth doing They gave us the bOING bOING	Mark Gerl
To Robert Oppenheimer let's make a toast, For his nuke work at Los Alamos. Though he queasily quoted Hindu divinity, When he saw what happened with Trinity.	Eric Constantineau
Edmund Clerihew Bentley Should not have written frequently Unless perhaps he failed at guessing That slipshod scansion is entirely distressing.	Ari Multhauf
Henry Cavendish Sadly never got his wish To define the elements Without any audience.	Craig Wittler
Richard Feynman was the man, or one might say, the bomb; He was supercool like liquid helium, and his contributions live on - Whether to the path integral formulation of quantum mechanics Or to a little thing called the theory of quantum electrodynamics.	Robin Bernstein
Nicolas Léonard Sadi Carnot Modeled thermodynamic flow. No heat engine (he saw) can aspire To transcend the motive power of fire.	John David Stone
Alexander Bogdanov stopped confusion about the vitalities of blood transfusion his final discovery in this area- it was fatal to inject malaria. *I submit that mayhem gone wrong might involve a safe transfusion of blood. i.e. Relevant.	Charlie Callahan
Johann Joachim Becher who lived in the aether, did get his combust on, using only phlogiston	Seth Raphael
Did Fire come from America? Is Canada to blame? Rule predudiced no expats Inherent not same-same.	Jim Meier
Joseph Priestley Carbonated not yeastly. Beer gas killed mice, But in water tastes nice.	Ben Brockert
The commonplace dove Must reliably love B. F. Skinner's Favorite dinners.	David C. Oshel
Billy Joel, His fire burns out of control. Though he swears it's been burning since the world's been turning	Maximilian Vanlancker
Joan of Arc Died on a spark For supporting a rival coronation Created a great conflagration.	Seth Brown
Edward Teller Funny old feller Look what he done! He made a new sun.	Matthew Gordon
It's said that great Sir Isaac Newton discovered gravity from fruit on If just an apple can do that Consider Ms. Miranda's hat!	Emily Bond
Prometheus Played thief for us Now we don't shiver But pity his liver.	Elizabeth Bailey
Sir Isaac Newton Discovered the laws of motion. What he failed at, we are told was in converting mercury to gold.	kalyanaraman durgadas
Gurstelle’s book is all the rage A bit of fire as you turn its page How flames and kindling are tamed to toil A mystery for even Sir Arthur Conan Doyle	Nanette Avery
Asimov, the Great Explainer, tackled no subject without a disclaimer: the progress of science has hiccups and hitches* *but, as always, Science Works, bitches!	David Christensen
Phineas Gage Worked the rail for wage A blast advancing neurology From his rod no apology	Timothy  Missal
The late chemist Thomas Midgley, Jr Made two startlingly big bloopers. Leaded gas was slow poison, While Freon holed our ozone.	Mark Martel
Chalres Darwin did say All these changes came from DNA! And boy did this make news When he got back from his cruise.	Jack Sterne
The canonical Zeppelin Is just canvas envelopin’ Some gas that’s combustible Which is why they’re not trustable.	Brian Upton
Sir Alfred Nobel blew things to Hell. For this you would surmise, he should win some sort of prize.	John Owen
Johann Wolfgang Dobereiner, a coachman’s son but not a whiner, studied the elements on many an all nighter and made for the world it’s very first lighter.	Rachel Hoyt
Solenopsis A sting come with your kiss. Why do you desire to set my skin on fire?	Mari Stephenson