The winners have been selected in Chicago Review Press’s Practical Pyromaniac Clerihew Contest. The Practical Pyromaniac is a new book from William Gurstelle (Popular Mechanics Magazine’s “Pyrotechnics and Ballistics Editor.”)
A clerihew is a four line, eccentrically metered, rhyming biographical poem. Easy to write and fun to read, entrants were asked to write a clerihew that describes a famous scientist or other person, or event closely associated with fire.
The Winner:
Rudolf Diesel's
As German as measles,
But his engine stayed mobile,
So his legacy's global.
As German as measles,
But his engine stayed mobile,
So his legacy's global.
--Kelly Robinson
The Runners Up:
The Great London Fire
Destroyed St. Paul's choir.
The nave and transepts were burned to sticks
On the 4th of September, 1666.
-- Chris Kaiser
Catherine O'Leary's cow
Would probably disavow
Her role in the blaze of 'seventy-one...
Too bad the witness is Well Done.
-- Erik Stearns
Well over a hundred entries were received. It was a difficult task selecting the winners because of the number of excellent entries. Points were awarded for topic relevance, style, and cleverness.
The following entries have been singled out for Special Mention:
The Philosopher Empedocles Thought there were four elements, and these Were earth and water, fire and air He was wrong, *but* they made a square. | Nick Muellerleile |
Sir Benjamin Thompson, Count Rumford Showed heat made when gun bored. This example of friction, a conservation of energy prediction. | Ben Brockert |
Baybars, Sultan of Egypt Into his hand cannon, gunpowder tipped. But how many klutzes lost a foot shootin' in the Battle of Ain Jalut? | Elissa Malcohn |
Mrs. O'Leary Hated the theory That it was her cow That started that row. | Yossef Mendelssohn |
Thanks to William Crookes And his love of science books, We now have faithful records Of Faraday’s Candle Lectures. | Roger Kilbourne |
Isaac Watts Observed a lot. He observed that observation Is learning's firm foundation. | Michael Hahn |
Had Herostratus Gone on hiatus, The shrine in Ephesus Would not be in pieces. | Brandon Burt |
Sir Joseph Priestly Looked at "airs" uniquely. Phlogiston he spurned And with O2 burned. | Jim Fenwood |
Antoine Lavoisier Had a flawless dossier. Hydrogen and oxygen he bred, right until they chopped of his head. | Ben Brockert |
Sir Humphry Davy, for miners so gravely created a light never to unexpectedly ignite. | Jonathan Hammler |
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We received a surprising number of entries involving the mythological bringer of fire to humans, Prometheus. Evidently, his story captured the imaginations of quite a few nascent poets.
Prometheus Stole the God's fire for us, Made Zeus pretty bitter, Now his liver's an eagle's dinner. | Timothy Schmidt |
Prometheus Burned Zeus. His reward, that fire giver? Chopped liver. | Les Clay |
Greek Fire sparks a funeral pyre Prometheus' gift workin' the graveyard shift | Travis Dynes |
Prometheus the Titan Mankind’s burden would lighten He was the fire giver But an eagle ate his liver | Beth Shively |
Eagle-pained Prometheus his days remain so tedious. Perhaps his aquiline pest might fancy Some fava beans and a nice Chianti? | Jake Krakovsky |
Prometheus we thank for fire But Zeus responded with ire To a rock, He tied the Giver So an Eagle could chew his liver. | Raymond Nakamura |
Prometheus the Titan Sought all the world to lighten To the proles he was of fire a giver And now an eagle dines on his liver | Matthew Gordon |
Fire was gifted to mankind from Prometheus From raw food and chilly homes it would free all us. The fate of the Titan was grainier; He had the first case of acute pyrokleptomania. | Casey O'Connell |
Prometheus What? Fire. Why? Aeschylus Knew, no doubt, his intent. Only the spark is extant. | John Anderson |
Prometheus Was a bit of a wuss. Aside from fire, he could only deliver Chopped liver. | Andreas Orphanides |
There were also quite a few clerihews written about the author of The Practical Pyromaniac, William Gurstelle. Hoping for extra contest points by using a bit of flattery, no doubt.
William Gurstelle, of fire does tell. In demos quite hot, now "am I missing an eyebrow?" | Ben Brockert | |
Fire, fire, huh huh! Chem teach says nuh-uh. Gurstelle declares how not to burn off hairs. | Ben Brockert | |
William Gurstelle Spent a night in a well 'Till he found in his pocket Stuff to make rockets | Robert Sanford | |
William Gurstelle While otherwise quite swell, For his practical pyromania Was kicked out of Moosylvania. | Craig Wittler | |
William Gurstelle Musing about Bill Tell Traded his bow For a little C4 | Joe Lupe | |
William Gurstelle Along with the flames of hell Has provided a book barrage To blow the roof off your garage | David Cooper | |
Mr William Gurstelle May have never been on tele. But of fires and flame, Seems he now has some fame. | Mr Kim Chaisson | |
William Gurstelle A name I know well. His books inspire, My garage is on fire. | Jason Goodowens | |
Sir William Gurstelle Was half-way to hell He still hasn't learnt That pyros get burnt | Michael Dare | |
The mother of William Gurstelle told her son "Write a novel that will sell!" To her never-ending ire Willie wrote about fire | Liz Dorman | |
William Gurstelle Burns brightly and well A master of the arts Of incandescent farts | Samuel Stackman | |
William with fire, will never tire, to be forever lit, with wisdoms wit. | Anonymous | |
Other entrants’ clerihews spanned the gamut of scientific genius from Nicola Tesla to Thomas Edison, from Tim Berners-Lee to Madame Curie. There were also clerihews written to fete and illuminate the achievements of several lesser known scientists including Johann Wolfgang Döbereiner, Claude Edward Shannon, Robert Sapolsky, and Henning Brand.
Robert M. Sapolsky, follows baboons closely. Darting is an art, and unconscious alpha's fart. | Michael Sorel |
Albert Einstein Well he had a fine time With E=mc^2 gosh what a lot of hair! | David Ragg |
Nikola Tesla, with Serbian chutzpah, wished to save the day with a good old-fashioned Death Ray. | Daniel Harrigan |
When Nikola Tesla said "AC is the best bet yet" Replied Thomas Edison DC Rocks, the fight is on | Jiri Vyslouzil |
Antoine - Laurent Lavoisier Knew less than Priestley about the air He was however finely read Until the guillotine cleaved his head | Joseph Hinchliffe |
Thomas Edison Never was reticent World in delight 'cuz of his bulb of light | HutcH Hutchison |
Alfred Noble Was known fairly well But his fame did rise Once he offered his prize | Paul Krebs |
Alfred Nobel Who we all know well Worked till he got it right Because he was dynamite! | J-Mag Guthrie |
Charles Darwin, his patience ran thin. Tired of the stupidity of our race, created Darwinism to put them in their place. | Ryan Zindorf |
Galileo Galilei, Made a telescope so he could see. Left school without a degree, yet became the father of modern science and astronomy. | Ryan Zindorf |
Tim Berners-Lee, with out him this poem you wouldn't see. His files, while away, he could not get. Thus he invented the internet. | Ryan Zindorf |
Marie Curie, interested in physics and chemistry. She won a noble peace prize, for starting in on cancers demise. | Ryan Zindorf |
In the subject of gasses That shock and offend the masses A tiny spark is what’s needed For awe and wonder completed Thoughts for Pyros by Alex Willis, Author of Wisdom from the Toolbelt | Alex Willis |
Nikola Tesla, with moustache, sent energy with panache via wireless transmission, and now measures magnetic induction. J. Robert Oppenheimer quoted the Vedic rhymer having unleashed nuclear force and afraid of its future course. Thomas Edison’s electrification of his Burl Street, NY station was a triumph of science made actual by J. P. Morgan’s capital. | Kat Inman |
Phlogiston Aether of Serafeim Cremated to ash, reduced to dust Worldly life left to rust | Linnea M. Willing |
Hennig Brand yearned To distill from his urine The stone of philosophers But only got phosphorus. | Daniel Chamudot |
Doctor von Braun Rocket's head don. Launched to the moon an Air Force goon. | Ben Brockert |
Robert Stirling Clever gas curling. As gasses expand, Piston moves in hand. | Ben Brockert |
Thomas Edison was a man of no medicine he made artificial light there was no more night | Jonathan Pedoeem |
the caveman was a very brave man he invented fire and probably the first wildfire | Michael Pedoeem |
Angelina Jolie isn't very boney neither is she fat Jolie is all that | gerry kessler |
Mark Frauenfelder His wife, he held her To make things worth doing They gave us the bOING bOING | Mark Gerl |
To Robert Oppenheimer let's make a toast, For his nuke work at Los Alamos. Though he queasily quoted Hindu divinity, When he saw what happened with Trinity. | Eric Constantineau |
Edmund Clerihew Bentley Should not have written frequently Unless perhaps he failed at guessing That slipshod scansion is entirely distressing. | Ari Multhauf |
Henry Cavendish Sadly never got his wish To define the elements Without any audience. | Craig Wittler |
Richard Feynman was the man, or one might say, the bomb; He was supercool like liquid helium, and his contributions live on - Whether to the path integral formulation of quantum mechanics Or to a little thing called the theory of quantum electrodynamics. | Robin Bernstein |
Nicolas Léonard Sadi Carnot Modeled thermodynamic flow. No heat engine (he saw) can aspire To transcend the motive power of fire. | John David Stone |
Alexander Bogdanov stopped confusion about the vitalities of blood transfusion his final discovery in this area- it was fatal to inject malaria. *I submit that mayhem gone wrong might involve a safe transfusion of blood. i.e. Relevant. | Charlie Callahan |
Johann Joachim Becher who lived in the aether, did get his combust on, using only phlogiston | Seth Raphael |
Did Fire come from America? Is Canada to blame? Rule predudiced no expats Inherent not same-same. | Jim Meier |
Joseph Priestley Carbonated not yeastly. Beer gas killed mice, But in water tastes nice. | Ben Brockert |
The commonplace dove Must reliably love B. F. Skinner's Favorite dinners. | David C. Oshel |
Billy Joel, His fire burns out of control. Though he swears it's been burning since the world's been turning | Maximilian Vanlancker |
Joan of Arc Died on a spark For supporting a rival coronation Created a great conflagration. | Seth Brown |
Edward Teller Funny old feller Look what he done! He made a new sun. | Matthew Gordon |
It's said that great Sir Isaac Newton discovered gravity from fruit on If just an apple can do that Consider Ms. Miranda's hat! | Emily Bond |
Prometheus Played thief for us Now we don't shiver But pity his liver. | Elizabeth Bailey |
Sir Isaac Newton Discovered the laws of motion. What he failed at, we are told was in converting mercury to gold. | kalyanaraman durgadas |
Gurstelle’s book is all the rage A bit of fire as you turn its page How flames and kindling are tamed to toil A mystery for even Sir Arthur Conan Doyle | Nanette Avery |
Asimov, the Great Explainer, tackled no subject without a disclaimer: the progress of science has hiccups and hitches* *but, as always, Science Works, bitches! | David Christensen |
Phineas Gage Worked the rail for wage A blast advancing neurology From his rod no apology | Timothy Missal |
The late chemist Thomas Midgley, Jr Made two startlingly big bloopers. Leaded gas was slow poison, While Freon holed our ozone. | Mark Martel |
Chalres Darwin did say All these changes came from DNA! And boy did this make news When he got back from his cruise. | Jack Sterne |
The canonical Zeppelin Is just canvas envelopin’ Some gas that’s combustible Which is why they’re not trustable. | Brian Upton |
Sir Alfred Nobel blew things to Hell. For this you would surmise, he should win some sort of prize. | John Owen |
Johann Wolfgang Dobereiner, a coachman’s son but not a whiner, studied the elements on many an all nighter and made for the world it’s very first lighter. | Rachel Hoyt |
Solenopsis A sting come with your kiss. Why do you desire to set my skin on fire? | Mari Stephenson |
