Sunday, February 18, 2007

What's your Cylinder Index?

My ex-relative of mine (I'll call him "Joe") lives way, way out in the hinterlands on 80 acres of hilly woods and wooded hills. He lives in a trailer that has no electricity, no running water, no central heat. It's a lifestyle he's consciously chosen, for better or for worse.

He's an interesting guy, albeit strange . He reminds me of a grotesque, a Gothic protagonist from a Sherwin Anderso
n novel . Exceptionally talented in mechanical ways, intellectually present, yet sadly lacking in empathy and communication skills.

Now, the remarkable thing about Joe is that he has the highest CYLINDER INDEX of any man I've ever met, and I've met men with really high cylinder indexes, believe me. What is a cylinder index? It's a term invented by radio broadcaster Joe Soucheray. To figure it, simply count the total number of cylinders in all the internal comubustion engines you own.

For example, I've got a 8 cylinders in my Explorer, Karen has 4 in her Honda. My weed wacker has one, my snowblower has 2, my chain saw has one. There's two of us, so 8+4+1+2+ = 15 which is my Cylinder Index

My brother, the dentist, has a fairly decent cylinder index. His pickup truck has 6, his SUV has 6, and his wife's sedan has, I think, 6. He's got a fishing boat with 4, a chain saw 1, a snowblower 2, a weed wacker 1, a lawn mower 1, a riding mower 2, a generator 1. What's that, about 30?

But Joe has (or at least used to have) a pick up truck with 6 cylinders, an old but working jeep with 4, a partially working Dodge for 4, five bulldozers (yes five, the guy loves pushing dirt) for about 25, about six old farm tractors (all working, but some just barely) for 25 more cylinders, several generators
adding 6, four mowers for 4, and a bunch of miscellaneous things like piston driven welders (it generates its own electricity on the job site), a couple outboard motors that he owns for no particular reason, weedwhackers, snowblowers, and odd ball stuff like gas powered mixers, crushers, spreaders, and so on. All told, Joe's index easily tops 100.

What does a high cylinder index indicate? Virility? Nah. Obsessive/compulsive disorder? Maybe. A fascination with technology? Probably? An obsessive need to prove virility through technology? Hmmmm.

So, who's got the highest cylinder index you've come across?


Ed Kohler said...

Wow, that's a lot of cylinders. I'm at the other extreme, with 8, soon to be four, cylinders in my household between my wife and myself. With two small cars and no gas powered anything else due to the size of our lot (push power and shovels do the trick) we're burning little fuel.

Doug said...

checked for myself, came in at 50. asked around at work and the range was from a low of 12 to a high of 72. didn't check with Big John but i am sure he will total well over 1000. he is a car collector of sorts. lots of old and collectible wrecks that he parts out.

bllew said...

In all fairness, ie it legit to count your wifes car toward the total?
Also, I know folks that, in all fairness, are junk collectors. If you own 8 cars, and only 1 on them has ever run in the last 5 years, count the pistons in the non-runners toward your "ash tray index".

pictureguysteve said...

A good garage legation will tell you that lawn mowers don’t count toward your CI. Also your CI should exceed your age. ie if your 45 years old a good GLer’ would have at least 46 cylinders. as for me, I have 39 kind of sad considering I’m 47 years old. I am most proud of the eight in my 1967 Pontiac convertible.

Anonymous said...

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